My Body Overdosed On Sea Kelp Vomit and Placenta Tissue.

     Sometimes I personally thank the old man up in the sky; he has a grey beard that stretches down to Earth and is the reason why humanity has clouds in the sky that drop acid rain on us; well I thank him on occasion for sending a huge asteroid to Earth that wiped out the Dinosaurs. Can you imagine if that never happened? Not only would we have to deal with bumper to bumper traffic on a Monday afternoon while commuting from work, but then you would  have to negotiation a stampede of Velociraptor. So you can imagine the carnage that would happen at a red light. And it's a good thing you installed those metal door panels last week, cuz the guy in the car next to you just got ripped in shreds and disemboweled. Monday's can be stressful.
   
     Then when you pull into your beautiful new home you just bought, (and also got a GREAT DEAL on, [you actually got a horrible deal] ) and you expect to see your brand new St. Augustine grass, that just got sodded a week ago, being torn about by a group of wandering Edmontosaurus.  Don't worry, they are harmless vegetarians, and move slow, but they ate all your new grass, which is now a sandy dust bowl, and are now working on the shrubs and bushes of your estate. Don't worry, they also got Bob's yard, ya know; that smug neighbor that drives you crazy all days of the week, they ate his precious Chrysanthemums, the one's he NEVER stops talking about to the point of being nauseated.

     That's when it really can turn a Monday upside down. You see Bobb trying to whip the 10 foot tall dumb beast with a stick of some kind, as he screams at them, and you  smile and wave at Bob as you kick up dirt that's left over from your yard that used to have grass in it, and say well, it's really not that bad after all, you actually begin to enjoy the dirt look and the tree's leafless, and the hedge's a collection of sticks. In fact, a few weeks later, Southern Living magazine came and did a photo shoot, making your landscaping as a front page spread on next month's issue. Eat shit Bob!
   

     But lets be serious here folks. Living with dinosaurs would be pretty horrible, well, for most people. I see them as just a play toy for Yahweh, then he got bored of them and needed a new play toy. And his new PLAY toys (that's You and I) won't mix well with his OLD play toys (Dinosaurs) because that would just be one big mess, and not to mention embarrassing to history. We can't live with these huge ugly beasts together on this mud ball Earth. SO Heavenly Father sent a ball of fire in the sky and shut out the sunlight, and everything fucking died. Scientist say it takes between 3 to 5 million years before life can resume after such a collapse of worldwide life structure. This was known as "The Time of Great Peace." And Yahweh took a long nap, cause the Dinosaurs really wore him out a great deal. He also had to wait too, for human evolution was going to take a great deal of time also, so he slept for a afternoon, and poof, it was all ready to go. (that's cuz it's like dog years compared to human years, so there is GOD YEARS, in one afternoon nap, millions sometimes billions, depending on the length,  of years pass.) And when he awoke, Homosapians had finally emerged, and nobody was living in the tree's anymore, and a faint language and basic alphabet existed, and that's when he started playing with his toy's again.


Speaking of toys, did you know in India that the left hand is strictly used for wiping your ass, and the right hand is used strictly for eating? What the hell do you do if your left handed?! So, if your in India, never shake the left hand. I NEVER think it would be a cool thing to hang out with The Aghori. They will throw their piss and shit onto you, because to the Aghori, NOTHING is TABOO and they challenge everyone's idea of what right and wrong is or isn't, or what is nasty or holy. In fact, if you do ask for a blessing from an Aghori gentlemen, and he swifty uses his right hand that he was just eating with, reach's into his cloth pantalones for some brown doodoo, and wipes it on your forehead, then spits at your feet, then you have officially been blessed. Give him a few rupes, and be on your way. Sorry if that made some of you squirm a little bit. But when you think about it, SHIT is LIFE.

Speaking of LIFE. This morning I awoke and was thinking about one of the first bonafide weirdos I met in my life. You see, I am really strange myself, but you learn to keep those things to yourself, because scaring the town folk is not a pleasant thing to do. So when that moment arises in conversation and you think of something, then think, maybe I shouldn't make that vocal, I could get crucified, or stoned to death. It's just a thing you learn to do, unless your in the appropriate weirdo company, which could be 2 or more weirdos, a group of weirdos, a rare and delightful sight to see and behold, trust me.
     When I was the tender age of 16, I worked at the Lobster Red place that serves crustacean cockroaches from the salty sea with unlimited melted butter. And a particular older man was a server, is that what we say now? Not waiter? Fuck it, I am gonna be different, so this WAITER would come to the front of the house when it was slow and bullshit with us lower class HOST and HOSTESSES, and he took a liking to me. I am not sure how it came up in convo one day, ahhh yes, his wife was pregnant and he was joyously telling me about his happy times that will come forth from the birth of a piece of his DNA. That's when he then said. "Did you know that in some cultures, the placenta of the mother is cooked and eaten by the father?" And there it is, my flock has been seen coming over the horizon. After he said that he paused, with a smile on his face, waiting my response before he continued. I replied, "REALLY?! This is very interesting, please explain!" He was overjoyed with my response and continued, "Oh yes, some cultures find the after birth extremely sacred. Since the woman is the only one who carries the life force, the menstruation cycle is also the symbol of life, that after birth, the man with consume the placenta to transfer this life force into himself." To me this is not weird, I am use the word weird, because society likes to fit nice and tight within whatever box they wish to fit inside of, and then view the world with whatever filter they choose to look through, and if anything looks indifferent, it is then, WEIRD, abnormal, strange, or whatever adjective you choose to use.

     Now that my friend and I have become bonafide placenta brothers, the following months went by during his wife's pregnancy, and one day, close  to her birthing ritual, he exclaimed how he was going to get that damn placenta and take it home. He was a joking kind of guy, but another side of me told me he was dead fucking serious. Because he was absolutely crazy about this placenta thing. And he had confide in me, and found maybe one person who could understand his placenta addiction, and well, who else could he talk to about it? Some people would say a therapist, to those who think that, go fuck yourself, or have a therapist do it for you.

      After we become placenta brothers, his search was over, he had an outlet, and I was generally very intrigued and excited about all of it also. He even got more excited when the big day of labor was anytime now, and he seemed like he was skipping on air. He then said one day, "As you know Ryan, my wife is about ready to drop this son of mine any day now, she is as big as a house, and after a lot of thought, I decided I want to eat the placenta." This mesmerized me, because like I said, he was a loose, joking kinda guy, but he looked me right in the eye, and the father to be, was dead fucking serious about this thing, he wanted to do it, he was going to do it, with every bit of conviction within him. Then he was absent from work for a few days, for the birth process. Then after about 4 days he came back to work. When he approached me as I stood at my wooden host podium stand thingy, he had a disappointed look on his face. "I said hey bud, how's the new bouncing boy?!"
He replied, "Oh he is great, he is beautiful, for a baby, cause babies can be pretty ugly, and he screams really loud, ear piercing, and cries a lot, then sleeps a lot, then eats a lot, then shit's green stuff that looks alien. But he is well, and we have officially started a family that will one day inherit the Earth from Jehovah Witnesses when they eventually take over. ((EDITORS NOTE: he really didnt say all this, we the writers are inserting this here, cuz the convo was actually way shorter than we expected, and it was kinda to the point, ending this essay a little short, so our advertisers instructed us we needed to take up more space in this column, because we actually have less people advertising with us this year than usual, and if we don't take this space up, then when we publish this, the readers will be left with nothing but endless blank pages halfway through the magazine, and then they would feel ripped off of their hard earned cents, and come to the offices where we type this useless shit with pitchforks and flaming torches, and by god they burn every one us alive for making such a horribly fucked up, unfinished magazines with blank pages. But we would say to them, we intentional left the pages blank! And the horde of people would scream at us, WHY?!?!?!? Why would you do such a thing?! And then we would say, because we wanted you to draw your own pretty pictures or write a poem, or make a grocery list, or write down a list of your favorite books or movies, or rip out the pages if you run out of toilet paper, and they wouldn't take that as a answer and burn us at the stake anyhow just for fun, while using the blank pages as a way to start the fire. END EDITORS NOTE))         

     So my placenta brother said, "Oh everything's quite wonderful, he is our bundle of joy, and is quit and sleeps a lot. But I am pretty disappointed."

"Why?" I asked.

He replied, "Those fucking damn doctor fucks wouldn't give me the placenta to take home! I begged and begged and it was just sitting RIGHT THERE in front of me, and they thought I was some god damn freak or something."

"Damn that sucks!" I said. That's when he reached into his waiter notebook,

"But I did get you this!" And slams a picture of his wives still warm placenta right down on my host slave podium,

"SWEET!" I exclaimed.

"HAHA, I knew you would like it! I made doubles so I could give one to you!"

     I still have that picture to this day. And for some reason, I woke up this morning and couldn't think about anything to add to this, then looked at the already manufactured title I had made before writing the introduction, and placenta just made it click, and I can still see his goofy face, he was only one of maybe 2 or 3 people that were genuinely nice people I came across working there for 2 years. I actually forget the others, and only remember him, cuz he was the best of all. and I will never forget him. Its funny when your young and you never thought to write somebody's last name down, or you just never knew it, there are lots of people I wish I could just call up and shoot the shit with nowadays. but that would make life boring really, thus ruining the original experience. So I always call for as many random experiences you can have with people short or long, and if you never see them again, that's fine, it's the way it's suppose to be. But you will run across them again, because we all are from the same source of life power and energy. So that is why some people seem familiar even though you never met them until that moment, or somebody says something exactly or does something exactly like another person you know does. We are all very different, but then again, we are all the same. We are one in this floating cosmic soup called humanity.